$500,000 doesn’t buy you much in baseball. A few bats, a few balls, an Ishikawa or two. But that’s what 39-year-old former batting champ, present suspension server, and future Hall of Famer Manny Ramirez signed for with the Oakland A’s. Why did the A’s do this? Because when your $36 million mail-order bride asks for a boob job, you give it to her. And if The Dreaded One can sniff his 2010 production, the A’s can put up with his hijinks. But let’s look at every non-Athletic team and figure out why no one wanted Manny to Manny all over their team.

Red Sox- Because you never get back with the girl who toys with your heart, even if they were the best years of your life.

Yankees- Try getting Manny to cut his hair. I’ll wait.

Blue Jays- I don’t think he’d go there unless they renamed it “Man-ada”.

Rays- They’re still pissed they gave him anything to begin with.

White Sox- They just got rid of their maniac Latin guy.

Royals- Focusing on young talent and 2013.

Indians- Jose Mesa acid flashbacks.

Twins- Already took a swing with Willingham.

Detroit- Prince has enough trouble with washed-up baseball players.

Texas- Already has a drug problem.

Angels- Can’t even find a spot for Bobby Abreu.

Mariners- Loaded with young, high upside OFers.

Braves- Middle of the order is set.

Mets- Someone Madoff with all of their money.

Phillies- Need production early in the year with Howard out.

Nationals- One caveman in the OF is enough.

Brewers- Ryan Braun and Manny have the same mailman.

Cardinals- First-time manager.

Pirates- Keep trying to pay people in Monopoly money.

Cubs- Jedeo Hoystein.

Astros- Manny’s too old for Little League.

Diamondbacks- Kubel and Parra already crowding LF.

Dodgers- Mannywood died.

Padres- Wasn’t Hairston-y enough.

Rockies- Big commitments in the OF.

Giants- BAAAARRRRYYYYY!!!!!

So here are the teams that should have looked harder at Manny (in ascending order):

Orioles- Already constructed like a softball team, why not go for broke?

Reds- They might lose Votto around the time Manny’s suspension ends.

Marlins- Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen please please please please.